I had a dream last night that my ego was speaking with my ex-wife’s ego.. and it was an interesting conversation. She looked lean and in shape, the way her ego probably thinks she ought to look. One of the last things my ex-wife said to me after she left our marital residence, in a text message to my phone, was “I’m getting back in shape and working out a lot, I’m happier than ever with my new boyfriend.”
In the dream, I was taking care of business, fixing things for people and just enjoying myself as usual. I spoke with her briefly and we talked about how things changed between us and that she and her boyfriend broke up and we cried and hugged, and I remember feeling sad for her that her love life didn’t turn out as she had expected it to… and why would it, she left me for someone that had left her for someone else and she had romanticized it into some kind of destiny thing for each other. The fact is that we were never on the same page with each other, and she was always looking for the next big thing to boost her ego. So I pitied her, because it was all I could do.
Well, when I saw her in court at 25 Delaware, she looked BIG… not just her usual big like she was when she left, but she looked like she gained another ten pounds back… maybe twenty. And she didn’t look happy. She looked everything but happy, she looked sad and solemn. And I couldn’t figure out why she acted like she was trying to reach out to me, until I was on Plentyoffish.com last week and saw a posting from her online with profile pictures that I know she took at her parents, and possibly elsewhere. The pictures weren’t elegant, they were slutty and she was trying to show off her usual “come hither” look that she usually gave me when she wanted something her way.
I’ve realized that Jamee really doesn’t want true love, all she really wants out of her life is to not be alone. She will do just about anything to not be alone, because her relationships feed her ego. I have also realized that during our marriage, when she was getting down on herself about her weight and saw that I was starting to lose weight and take better care of myself, that it affected her ego. She needs someone to dote on her and stroke her ego, and that is where her ex-boyfriend, Chris came into play. He fed her ego and made her feel special again.
Did I take her for granted during our marriage? I don’t know, maybe I couldn’t see what was really going on with her, because she refused to talk to me, she’d already estranged me in the last year of our marriage and the lines of communication had broken down so much that they were irreparable. I think my ego also suffered a lot during our marriage and maybe that’s why I stopped reaching out to her as well. She became a transactional relationship, that I supported financially to reach her objectives, and when I was not in a position to do so, she became embittered with me and resented me for it. Our marriage might have survived if she’d opened up to me and stopped demanding so much, and taken responsibility for her own ends instead of relying on me to fix it. It turned our love into hatred for each other. I can still only pity her, because she hasn’t changed for the better, she’s only completed her schoolwork with my assistance, and now she’s moving on to chase the next big thing again.
She’s a user, a gold-digger, and I wish that I’d been aware of that before we’d gotten married, so that I wouldn’t have exhausted myself and my resources trying to fill that void in her life. Many of my friends warned me about her, but I didn’t see it at the time. I did what I thought was right and paid the price for my gullibility.
